What a month of “fog” has taught me
That’s the best way I can describe it. The past 4 weeks have had me in a bit of a fog…and feeling a little suffocated. I’m not sure if you’ve ever been in a spot like that before, but I thought I’d share with you my experience.
There were a few things that contributed to this:
(*Note: There have been other times of fogginess in my life due to disobedience to God, so that’s the first place I check if I’m feeling uncertainty, doubt, and confusion)
- The Boston Marathon Bombing
- The U.S. Pastor in Iran
- The rescue of the Cleveland women held hostage in a house (which is less than an hour from my house)
- A close friend’s heartbreak with a 3 year relationship
- Another friend’s disgust for returning to a toxic relationship
- A friend’s addiction to alcohol and anti-depressants
- A close friend’s 33 year old ,mama to 3,cousin fighting cancer
- Christian friends chained to disobedience
- Wrestling with doubts on our family vision
- Insecurity with my voice in the blogging world and future of the blog
- My son graduating kindergarten
- Meeting with my friends who are hurting
- End of school year activities (for both my husband and son)
- Change in workout routine (gym hours, childcare etc)
These are just a few things that have been rocking my world lately which is why I’ve been pretty quiet. Both my mind and time have been spent working these things out through talks over coffee, podcasts to open my mind, and just…doing. I’ve sat down to write this post probably 3 different times but have come to a halt each time. It’s hard for me to put into words the emotions that I have which is why I’ve had the struggles.
The practical things are just normal things in my life that I have to cycle through. They are expected changes that always throw a wrench in my normal routine, so adjusting to them is necessary and while it’s not always convenient or easy, it’s something I take in stride as I love being a wife, mom, and friend.
The emotional things are the doozy to me. Nothing can trip me up more than a little (or lot!) of confusion thrown into my normally clear, sound, and wise thinking! Ahh! If I wasn’t praying and crying for people around the world who were going through terrible tragedies, my mind was consumed with those in my close circle who hurt or the own doubts in my mind.
I find that I cycle through these phases a few times a year–when things get overwhelming and nothing seems clear. It’s why I wrote these status’ on my facebook page the past few weeks:
I don’t tend to talk to a lot of people about my problems–my husband gets most of it. (And he is my preferred “go to” anyway!) So I end up chugging and processing this through an emotional mind. Yikes. That doesn’t always work well, right?
So what’s the point of this post? Well here we go:
1.) I love you all, but….
My first ministry and priority is my walk with God, my marriage, my family, and those “real life” friends who God has put in my circle. Blogging/online world will always take a back seat to this. I struggle with this a lot because you have no idea what ministering to you all does for me, but I have to live the life of integrity behind the blog that I preach in front of the blog.
2.) Your emotions can really get the best of you. And some days–they can REALLY get the best of you.
You know how it is. You are consumed with one issue which turns into another and before you know it, you’ve got the whole world turned upside down and everyone hating you (in your mind) in a matter of 7 minutes! It’s sort of like arguing with a crazy man. What’s the point? It’s at those times that I have to step back, and take a breather. I have to remind myself of the truths I know above.
3.) Feeling suffocated and that your voice isn’t important is terrible
During these times, I feel really confused. I doubt everything I’ve known to be true in the past. And because I feel doubt, I don’t speak. I clam up. I do think God brings us to times in our lives where we need to step back, slow down, and listen to Him, but I’m not so sure that this was one of those instances this time around. It took an “aha” moment for me to realize that this is exactly where satan wants me. Paralyzed.
4.) Physical activity and healthy eating still works wonders
The truth is, my physical life has been blah lately. I have been hitting my workouts, but as I mentioned above, I’ve had to adjust them due to the shortened hours at the gym. I have been soooo busy that my meal prep and planning has been less than great (which ALWAYS equates terrible eating for me) I haven’t been inspired. It’s just been…blah. I have to say though, the times when I was exercising, were times for me to wrestle through what God was teaching me. Because I left my troubles on the gym floor, I didn’t have to bring them home to the kitchen floor. That’s worth the 60 minutes of sacrifice alone.
5.) I have to keep on the forefront of my mind what I KNOW and what I CAN do
When we are trapped, either by sin, a terrible habit, confusion, doubt–you name it–we forget the blessings and promises God has given us in the past. We feel stripped of all power (that’s ours for the taking!) and feel like we can’t do anything. When my exercise or eating was terrible for the day, I relapsed back into eating a terrible snack to make me feel better instead of remembering what good, clean foods do for me. When I felt confused about why God has allowed _____ to my friend’s life, I forgot about all the good He’s done for me in the past. When I sat in disbelief as I cried over the women who were treated as prisoners in that home in Cleveland, I forgot that God is still Sovereign over everything and allows what He allows for His glory.
One final thing. Ironically, one of the best things for me to do while I’m in these times of “fog” is to step away from facebook and social media. I find that I’m in an already sensitive state, so seeing that friends of mine got together and didn’t invite me, or that someone went on a vacation somewhere, or that they got a Starbucks and I didn’t (WAAAH!) that day, just added salt to the wound.
I’m making my way out of the fog now, but I know that I will probably enter another season of it again and probably even this year! I’m not sure where you are at right now, but if you sense a bit of a “fog” in your life, then I plead with you to hang on. Reach out to someone who you trust and talk it out. Dive into the scriptures and let God’s inspired Word navigate you toward the Light.
Do you ever feel this way? How do you work through it? What are your triggers?
In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
(from, “In Christ Alone“)